Greetings from Hueco Mundo
by Deathberry15
Summary: “My patience has a limit, Orihime.” If you don’t mind, Aizen sama, Orihime san would like to test that. Kind of parallel to Coming Undone, tho AU and thoroughly random. The real adventures of Inoue Orihime in Las Noches.


One chapter of randomness I thought up at work when I should've been working cuz I had tons of work. When I have ideas like this, it's better if I just get them out of my head at once, so that I can continue doing whatever I was doing before.

I certainly don't know what brought this around, but I think it would make a fun omake if my story ever got made into manga. I guess I drew inspiration from several situations I've been involved with, especially involving games. I have a lot of luck, because I don't really ever seem to know what I'm doing, but people don't like to play with me at anything because I have a lot of luck.

**Music: **"The magic key" by One-T, "Ecnegludni fles sseldnim" by Mindless Self-Indulgence, "The Riddle" by Nik Kerchaw, "Ming Tran" by Gob, "Mope" by Bloodhound Gang, "Pop song 89" by Motion City Soundtrack.

**Disclaimer:** Kubo-san is the one and only owner of Bleach-verse, and I humbly borrow the characters and places and situations in order to satisfy my guilty pleasures. (Gah, that sounds so pathetic.) The song "Ecnegludni fles sseldnim" belongs to Mindless Self-Indulgence. They're demented, but their music is awesome, not to mention hilarious. I can just picture Orihime-chan singing this.

**---**

**Greetings from Hueco Mundo**

**- By Deathberry15**

"Checkmate."

Aizen stared, mouth hanging open, as Orihime removed her fingers from her black queen and sat back, wearing a big grin on her face. He looked from the chessboard to Orihime, back to the chessboard and up at her face again. He blinked.

"What?"

Orihime rubbed her hands and chuckled in satisfaction. Aizen didn't even know how she had done it. She didn't show it, but she was very good at chess.

"Ah, I reckon that's… what , three times in a row already, Sousuke-kun?" she asked teasingly, and began putting all her pieces back in their respective places on the board. She gave him a cheerful smile. "Want to play again?"

Aizen blinked several times at the board, mouth still open. "What?"

"Aw, he still can't believe what happened," Ichimaru said as he walked past. "It's sad."

"It's not sad," Orihime replied. "He's actually very good. We've taken a long time playing."

"You beat him three times in a row," Ichimaru countered. "That's pathetic."

Aizen didn't say anything. He continued to stare at the chessboard.

"You lost to a girl."

"Shut up."

"Face it. It's easier to deal with it if you just face the facts."

"Go to hell, Ichimaru!"

"Hell would probably not be very different from here." Ichimaru said, grimacing.

"Hmm, I hadn't thought it that way," Orihime muttered.

"You know, this is stupid!" Aizen shouted, getting up very fast. "I don't have time for this! I have to plan a big attack on the living world." And he stalked off. Orihime pouted, but she gave Ichimaru a playful smile.

"Gin-kun… would you like to play against me? I'll let you be whites."

Gin thought about it for a moment, but shook his head. "Nah… I should probably go help him. I mean, that's what I came here with him for in the first place."

He waved goodbye and left, going the same way Aizen had gone.

"Yeah… I guess you're right," Orihime said disappointedly. She sighed and stood up.

"Hmm, I wonder if Ulquiorra-kun is up for a challenge."

---

"Oh, it's Saturday."

Yammy looked up from what he was doing (scribbling pointlessly on the sand) and stared at Orihime.

"So?" he asked.

Orihime stroke her chin with her slender fingers, in a thoughtful gesture. "There's probably a new chapter of Naruto out by now. I mean, it's got to be."

Wonderweiss and Yammy exchanged looks, eyes wide, and each leapt to their feet enthusiastically.

"Really?!" Wonderweiss exclaimed, clapping his hands together. He seemed more talkative around the girl.

"We should totally check it out!" Orihime grinned.

"Yeah!" Yammy pumped a huge fist into the air.

"Yeah!" Wonderweiss jumped up and down.

"Aaah… we have no Internet," Yammy suddenly remembered. The three were crestfallen.

"… Oh." Orihime blinked sadly. Wonderweiss pouted and plopped down disappointed.

"…" Yammy bit his lip, and sat back down. Orihime joined him once again at scribbling across the sand. Being with her brought so many new, exciting things. One of those things was Naruto. Unfortunately for them, Hueco Mundo wasn't exactly equipped to fulfill their manga downloading needs.

---

"Do we have any ramen? And perhaps some ketchup and pesto to go with it?" Orihime asked.

Ulquiorra blinked in surprise. Whenever he encountered this girl, she was hungry, and for some reason she thought he was in charge of food, because he was always the one she'd ask for food. Even when he always answered the same thing. "Umm, I don't think so… Like I told you the previous twenty seven times you already asked, I don't believe we have any food. You see, we don't eat."

Orihime's eyes flew wide open. "What?! Why?!" she shrieked.

"Because we don't need to," Ulquiorra answered matter-of-factly.

"You… don't need to," she repeated slowly, as if the words did not register in her head. She blinked several times, staring blankly at him.

"That's right," he said. "Wh-why are you looking at me like that? It's the truth."

She shook her head. "It's just… why not?"

Ulquiorra racked his brain for another simple answer besides the ones he had already given twenty seven times before. "Uh… because we're dead?"

"Shinigami are dead, too. And Rangiku-san would put me to shame at an all-you-can-eat pizza marathon."

Ulquiorra shrugged. "Well, I guess we've never bothered with such mundane things, such as eating. We don't need too. Therefore, we don't bother."

"Okay, granted. But you're not curious about it?"

"Curious?"

"To know what food tastes like?"

There was a pause. He frowned, but he couldn't find anything to say. Did he feel curious? He had never stopped to think about it. "… Uh…"

"You've never wondered what chocolate or ice cream or pizza taste like?"

"… um…"

"You've never felt at least a little bit curious about it?"

"…"

"You're not worried that you're missing out on some of the most delicious things you might ever taste?"

"…"

"Oh, no, I just made myself hungry." Orihime rubbed her stomach. "Do we have any ramen?"

Ulquiorra's face fell, blinking again. He decided to ignore her. It was the healthy thing to do.

---

"Gin."

Ichimaru turned to Aizen. "What is it?"

Aizen gave him a weird look. "No. Not you! Gin! As in 'I won at gin'! Idiot! We're playing gin!" he said angrily, but gestured at the cards he was holding with a triumphant smile.

"No, we're not. We're playing poker," Orihime corrected.

Aizen gave her a blank stare and looked at his cards. "We are?"

"How do you forget what we're playing halfway through the game?"

Once again, Aizen did his blink-several-times-in-disbelief look. "Oh," he said disappointedly. "B-but… but I already won…"

"But we were playing _poker_," Orihime repeated. "You can't change the game halfway, just because you won. It's not fair."

"Fine."

There was a silence. Aizen stared intently at his cards, when suddenly Orihime lowered hers. His mouth fell open.

"Royal flush," she said.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Don't feel bad, Aizen-kun," Orihime patted Aizen's arm comfortingly, but he pulled it away with an angry pout. "I've only played once before, with Kurosaki-kun's dad. That was a while ago, when I was sick and I had to stay at the Kurosaki clinic."

"Uh-huh…" Aizen mumbled, still pouting.

"So this is probably just beginner's luck." She shrugged. "If you don't take into account the ten times I beat Kurosaki-san."

"…"

"Or the six times I beat you already yesterday."

"Uh, that was me," Gin raised his hand.

"Oh… right. The six times I beat him yesterday," Orihime grinned. Gin lowered his arm and blushed in embarrassment.

"Just deal," Aizen said.

Orihime dealt the cards.

"I'm in." Aizen looked at her. She tapped her cards against the table and smiled. He sighed disappointedly.

"I fold."

She lowered her cards and smiled triumphant. "I was bluffing again." Cards flew into the air as Aizen hurled them up in anger and banged his fist on the tabletop.

"Damn it!"

---

"…_And me can't seem to help it… I went to the zoo and saw some monkeys… ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh… I went to the zoo and saw some monkeys today… ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh… I saw a giraffe but it didn't make any sounds… sometimes me bad… uh, I forgot the words… um… oh… we're going on a field trip… a field trip… a field trip… a field trip… a field trip… a field trip… a field trip… a field trip…"_

If looks could kill… but Tousen was blind, so maybe not even then. He could only grit his teeth, trying to block Orihime singing distractedly as she stared through a picture visor of the Most Beautiful Views of Soul Society, a project that Soul Society's Women Association created some time ago, by suggestion of Yachiru, er, Kusajishi-fukutaichou of the 11th division. They were certainly beautiful views, or at least that's what he had been told, and Tousen gave it to Orihime to keep her entertained. But did she really have to sing such a horrendous song?

---

"I'd like to be able to do Kage Bunshin."

Grimmjaw rolled his eyes at Orihime. "That's not a superpower. That's a jutsu. That's a ninja power."

"It's still a power."

"But not super."

"Whatever. It's still cool. You can be in many places at the same places. Travel around the world. Or be your own baseball team."

"Well, yeah but… answer the question properly, Inoue," Grimmjaw sighed. Orihime crossed her legs.

"Okay, fine then. I like flying. Flying sounds good."

---

"Hit me," Aizen said.

"Are you sure?" Orihime asked.

"Yes."

"I really don't think—"

"What are you talking about? Just hit me."

"Sousuke-kun…"

"I said… HIT ME."

Orihime shrugged and obeyed.

"Twenty four."

"AW CRAP!"

"I told you."

"Don't start," Aizen grumbled. "I don't know why I let you coax me into playing this stupid game. I don't even like blackjack."

Orihime shook her head, trying to keep from laughing. "Don't be a sore loser," she said gently as she shuffled the cards. "Want to go again?"

Aizen gave her the most despicable glare he could muster, and Orihime seemed unfazed, smiling cheerfully. He sighed deeply.

"Sure, why not?" he said with a shrug.

---

Aizen walked into the throne room and saw that it was empty. Strange.

"Where the hell is everybody?"

"SSSSHHHHH!!!"

He was startled by the loud hissing sound that interrupted the dead silence, and realized it came from everywhere around him. Everyone was hiding, for some reason.

"What the hell is going on?!" he demanded, throwing up his arms.

He recognized the voice that spoke up next. It was Aaroniro.

"Aizen-sama, please, we're currently—"

He suddenly trailed off, and there was scuffling all around and then total silence again. Aizen was completely dumbfounded, until he heard another voice nearing.

"…4…3…2…1… Okay! Ready or not, here I come!"

His blood started to boil when he realized who it was.

"Sousuke-kun, hi! Have you by any chance seen any of your subordinates around here?" Orihime asked sweetly, walking into the room.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" Aizen shouted, before leaving the room. This was too ridiculous for him to stand.

---

"Okay, how does this work?" Ulquiorra asked, arms crossed.

"You take the bottle," Orihime explained, picking up the empty glass bottle, "and you spin it," she added, and she smiled mischievously. She put the bottle in the middle of the group assembled in a circle. They were as many as she could gather in such short notice; some were not too happy to be there, but most of them were curious as to what this game consisted of. Even Noitora was there, but he looked like he was waiting for an excuse to leave. Orihime rubbed her hands together.

"Okay, whoever the bottle points to, that Arrancar has to either answer Truth or Dare; if you choose Truth, the Arrancar who spun the bottle gets to ask a question, and the other has no choice but to answer," she said. "If you choose Dare, the spinner has to come up with something silly or challenging you'd have to do."

"This sounds stupid," Grimmjaw crossed his arms defiantly.

"Well, it's better than playing the real Spin the bottle. The two people who the bottle points to have to kiss," she said, still with a hint of a smile. Grimmjaw's mouth opened slightly and he didn't protest further.

"Why don't you show us how it's done?" Zaeru Apollo Grantz said politely.

"Okay!" Orihime leaned forward and spun the bottle. When it slowed down to a stop, the mouth pointed straight at Ulquiorra, and the bottom pointed at Orihime herself. She clapped excitedly.

"Oh-ho! Ulquiorra-kun, are you ready?" she asked. Grimmjaw sniggered.

Ulquiorra blinked. "Huh? Me? Already it's my turn?"

"Truth or dare?" she asked.

Ulquiorra thought for a moment. He looked at his fellow Arrancar, and some shrugged, while other smiled expectantly. Noitora still looked bored.

He weighed his options briefly. No, he was not making a fool of himself. Orihime looked like she could really juice something really stupid out of him. He wouldn't let her.

"Truth," he answered.

"We'll start off easy," she said, grinning mischievously again. "Is there someone you're romantically interested in?"

She could as well have asked him to go and kill Aizen-sama for the reaction she awakened on him. Pure and utter horror.

"Come again?"

"Is there someone you like? You have to answer, Ulquiorra-kun, you have no choice," she said.

The color drained completely from his already pale complexion, and his bright green eyes widened as big as saucers as he looked at her. No, he couldn't answer that either. It would be too mortifying. For Orihime to find out that he… He turned bright red immediately, just thinking of it.

"Um… did I say truth? I meant dare."

"Ulquiorra-kun, you're not following the rules!"

"I meant dare! I swear!" he shouted, turning even redder. Orihime pouted and sighed.

"You can't just change your mind because you don't want to answer," she said. Ulquiorra wanted to bolt from there. Suddenly the others, including Noitora, were looking at the two of them with great interest.

"Fine, JUST this one time," Orihime said finally.

Ulquiorra breathed a sigh of relief. Grimmjaw sniffed disappointedly. Anything that she might make him do now wouldn't be half as fun as seeing Ulquiorra confess his feelings to—

_PHEW_, Ulquiorra thought, _that was a close one_.

---

"Hurry up. We don't have all day," Orihime said.

"Actually, we do," Aizen gave a look in her direction.

"Oh… right," she shrugged.

"Okay…" he muttered. He stared at her with intense eyes, trying to read her somehow, trying to find out the answer he was looking for.

"Do you have any… threes?"

Orihime grinned mischievously, threw her head back and let out a maniacal evil laugh. Aizen narrowed his eyes at her and waited for her to be done so he could glare at her properly for the words she was about to pronounce.

Orihime abruptly stopped laughing and gave him a gloating look. "Go fish."

"I dislike you," Aizen said as he grabbed a card and looked at it. Mnegh, no good. He grumbled as he sourly added the new card to his growing deck.

---

"… And then the Mother Bear looked at her bed, and she said: 'Someone has slept in my bed too'. But then the Little Bear looked at his bed and said: 'Someone is still sleeping in my bed!' Or something like that. And he shouted so loud that it awoke little Wonderweiss out of the bed, and he scrambled out from under the blankets, and the Father and the Mother and the Little Bear tried to chase after him, but little Wonderweiss was very quick and he got out of the house through the window just in time, and he ran as fast as he could into the forest, but then a Hollow showed up… wait. No, I just made that up too."

Zaeru Apollo Grantz blinked in confusion. He had been listening to Orihime tell Wonderweiss Margera a bedtime story – or rather, make it up as she went along, which was not turning out to be a good idea—. Though it was sweet at first, especially since she made Wonderweiss the protagonist, Zaeru was almost certain the original version did not contain any Hollows, and especially no forest ranger named Toushirou-kun. But he was not about to interrupt. At least Wonderweiss seemed to like it.

---

"Gin."

Aizen looked blankly at his cards and then at Orihime, who was laying her winning hand on the table across from him, smiling widely.

"We were playing gin?"

Orihime looked at him in disbelief. She didn't seem happy.

---

Ichimaru spotted a bunch of crumpled paper sheets lying on the floor, and seeing that there was no one around, he picked one up and spread it open.

_Dear Tatsuki-chan:_

_How are you? I'm doing just fine. I miss you a lot, and everyone else too, but I have to admit, I'm having the time of my life here. And the best part: NO SCHOOL! I don't know when I'll get back, I suppose Sousuke-kun (or Aizen-sama, as most Arrancar call him) would first like me to do him a favor, which he has yet to tell me what it is. Though I know he's up to no good, I mean, he's THE Lord of Hueco Mundo which instantly makes you a bad guy. I don't know if it's such a good idea to hang out with him, considering he tried to kill Kurosaki-kun and Renji-kun and Kuchiki-san, but he can be fun too. You should see the way he gets when I beat him at a cards game (his face gets even funnier than Kurosaki-kun's!!). But he can't keep me here forever. I will eventually have to get back to school, and like I said before, I miss you. And I miss my own bed._

_Anyway, hopefully I will be able to introduce you to everyone someday, maybe soon. Grimmjaw is a little moody and a little crazy, but that's okay. Wonderweiss is really cute and funny and he likes my stories. Ulquiorra is a bit difficult, for some time now he blushes and looks away when I try to talk to him, but he's nice. And Yammy's really nice too, although he tries to deny his otaku self. As for Ichimaru-kun and Tousen-kun, they try to keep their distance, but they can be fun too._

_And Sousuke-kun… well, he's special._

_Take care and see you soon,_

_Orihime._

_P.S.: Can you believe they have no food here? I'm starving!!!_

Ichimaru shook his head. He looked at the doodles on the paper borders. There was a drawing of Aizen next to a drawing of the Kurosaki boy, and they were both making the same face. Then something that looked like Orihime but she was a robot, and a doodle of someone that looked like it might have been Grimmjaw with an afro.

So this is why Orihime was looking for stamps and she asked Aizen for an envelope and she was trying to find out how to get to the post office from Las Noches. There is some real crazy logic loose in Orihime's head, he thought, crumpling the papers again and letting them fall to the floor back where he found them.

---

"I'm begging you. Hide me."

"Are you playing hide and seek with Inoue-san too?"

"Are you out of your mind?"

Ulquiorra stared at Aizen in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"I just saw HER grab the Go," Aizen replied, crouching behind Ulquiorra in a rather stupid attempt to conceal himself. "I just can't lose to her at any more games."

Ulquiorra gave him a disapproving look. But then he shrugged. "Okay, I'll distract her."

Aizen blew a breath of relief and patted the Espada on the back. "You have no idea— Wait, what if she asks _you_ to play?"

Aizen waited for Ulquiorra to answer. The Arrancar spoke with shifty eyes. "But I… like playing Go."

The shinigami stared at him, blinking in confusion.

"…"

The Arrancar shrugged. "Well, I'm bored."

---

"UNO!"

"UNO!"

Luppi and Grimmjaw glared at each other, as they both slammed a card down each.

"I said it first!"

"No, I did!"

"I DID!"

"ME!"

"It was my turn!"

"No, it was mine!"

"Doesn't matter, guys. I already won," Orihime said, putting down her last card (and yes, she said Uno before.)

After that, there was really no one left in Hueco Mundo who ever wanted to play any game versus Orihime.

---

Time stood still in Hueco Mundo. Aizen was beginning to really get the definition of eternity. Never had his days dragged on so long. He thought dejectedly, as he sunk into his chair, maybe abducting Inoue Orihime had not been such a good idea. Nothing, not even those unique powers of hers, were worth was little sanity he had left.

---

In the end, when the shinigami came to her rescue, he was inwardly celebrating. Of course, he pretended to go through with his plans with her, but when that Kurosaki boy tried to save her, Aizen wasn't about to stop him. Obviously he was disappointed to see that his plot with the Hougyoku was ruined, and it would have been so much easier if from the very beginning, he had not wasted so much time and gotten it done well. But still, he couldn't help but feel happy, in spite of that, to see Orihime leave Hueco Mundo.

---

---

Haha, the whole thing about Uno was suggested by my friend Alexz, because she thinks it's funny how Kubotite uses a lot of terms in Spanish (Hueco Mundo, negacion, Menos Grande, Arrancar, oh, and my favorite, Abuelo). Uno, for those who don't know, is Spanish for "one", but I have no idea why it's used. Maybe because you say it when you have only one card left. I love Uno, though. It's fun, even when I lose (which is always).

The 'Greetings from Hueco Mundo' part was obviously implied in the letter to Tatsuki. I might design it someday. Hope you enjoyed, at least laughed a little bit. Have a nice one, everybody. Thank you and goodnight!

**--Nariko the Seer a.k.a Deathberry15**


End file.
